A Song For The Funeral Of A Goldfish
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: For Hanziii. Michael writes a lame song and his girlfriend, Hanziii, insults him. What happens when Vicky and Myrnin turn up and WHY is Jeremy Kyle coming to town? Get reading peeps XD


**This has been written for Hanziii – if you do not read her story, you are crazy!**

**I don't own anything!**

**Oh… and I make an appearance in here as well… I think haha :P**

:'( - when a face is like this, it usually means that someone is crying unhappily in a house – and nobody wants to be unhappy.

"Michael, I didn't _mean_ it," Hanziii comforts her boyfriend, who is crying because she sort of accidentally insulted his new song, saying it sounded like a song you would sing at a goldfish's funeral. Which isn't a good thing, since usually goldfish don't _have_ funerals, unless flushing them down the toilet counts. Which, in the author's mind as she writes this fic going on about _goldfish_ for some reason, it doesn't. End of story.

"I don't believe you!" he moans, placing his golden head on her shoulder and sobbing some more. Hanziii wishes that she has one of those old style cloth hankies that men used to carry around in their pockets so that she could comfort him, but being modern people, nobody in the Glass House had one.

The author is wondering right now just _who_ could come in with this golden hankie when Myrnin pops up and demands that he wants to take a place in the fic, since the author has written _too many_ Amelie/Oliver fics today and Myrnin feels left out.

"Hanziii," he whispers, handing the confused girl a handkerchief.

"How did you know I wanted one for him?" she asks him in perplexity before handing it to Michael to help him dry his ridiculously wet eyes.

"Vicky said you would," Myrnin shrugs, and the wonderful girl who is called Vicky steps through the portal with a grin on her face - :D is about as close as the written form of this image can be.

"I'm sure that your music doesn't suck _that_ badly," Vicky consoles Michael in her most consoling manner that isn't particularly comforting. "What? I never said I'm particularly good at making people feel better _emotionally_, hence the reason I'm a _doctor_ not a nurse!" she continues, stuffing her face with one of the chocolates that weren't there three seconds before but the author suddenly decided to put in the fic as she wants some chocolate herself. Everyone turns to look at her for a minute in incredulity before refocusing on Hanziii and Michael, the main people of this story…

"Michael, baby, I didn't _mean _it!" Hanziii stresses to Michael, once again. She pulls him to his feet and wipes the tears from his eyes, almost laughing at the absurdity of it but manages to turn it into a choking cough so that he doesn't get even _more_ depressed than he is already.

"Let _me_ listen to the song and decide whether or not it is any good," Myrnin says, settling on the sofa next to his chocolate eating girlfriend and waiting for Michael to compose himself enough so that he can play the song.

"Go on Michael!" Hanziii enthuses before using her ninja skills to jump across the sofa and inbetween Myrnin and Vicky, grabbing the rest of the chocolates, which just happen to be roses because they are what someone called the author was given for Easter – her _only_ Easter chocolate

The three of them wait in anxiety for Michael to set up his guitar, Hanziii debating whether or not she should lie this time as to whether or not she thinks the song sucks (she does). Her face is sort of like this o_O as she can't decide which way to go, before it becomes :-[ (embarrassed) as she hears the lyrics again:

_You were such a good little friend_

_You made me laugh, you made me cry_

_I was so sad when you left_

_As you left, you left an impression on my heart_

_That not even your replacement will touch_

_Goodbye, and never look back at me_

_Because I love you forever_

_My little friend_

_You were such a good little friend_

Hanziii is very self-conscious at this point, because she realises that she is the girlfriend of the appalling song writer (whose song writing skills seem to have took a little holiday to the sea for about as long as the world's greatest hide and seek player will be down there) and she is sitting inbetween two people who are barely holding in their laughter.

"What did you think?" Michael asks with a shining face, evidently thinking that this is the bestest song in the entire universe, rather than something that was made up in the space of about three seconds.

"I think that you need to take lessons in song writing because that was bloody _appalling_," Myrnin says directly, watching as the tears rebuild up in Michael's eyes. "Oooooohhh, Brazilian Darkness! Can I have it?" he notices the sweet Hanziii is holding and plucks it from her hands before she even says a word.

"Myrnin, that was _mine_!" she moans, evidently forgetting that Michael wanted a response as she climbs onto Myrnin to try and get her sweetie back because it is the last one of them in the packet.

"Hey, get off my boyfriend," Vicky says with a grin, at the same time as Myrnin says, "Hanziii, stop molesting me, you little brat! Amelie will have something to say about this!"

Amelie decides at this point that she is going to pop by for a quick chat and sees a disturbing sight. The grandson of her lover is in tears on the floor like a two year old, her best doctor and strongest asset in Morganville is suddenly on the phone to the hospital directing them what to do in this really dangerous case (so that she appears really clever, the author says with a grin) and her oldest friend is wrestling with the girlfriend of the boy on the floor, the set up of the fight seeming slightly pornographic.

"ENOUGH!" she screams, sounding exactly like the spoilt little brat everyone in the room knew she was but couldn't confirm until today. "Everyone stand up and face the wall like naughty children," she orders suddenly, not sure why but deciding to.

"Amelie, I am very old and I don't want-" Myrnin begins to protest, having already decided that he and Hanziii can share the chocolate, that he doesn't want all of one incase he puts on weight, even though a vampire can't.

"NOW!" she screeches, and they all move, Michael stopping crying incase she hits him – she has before. He is scared of her now - - but he does as he is told. Finally, they all line up, besides Vicky because she is saving the life of the Mayor, Richard Morrell, via phone link until…

"Damn!" she cries, waving her phone in the air. "The signal went! I _hate_ this phone!" but she calls them back and she continues saving the life of the mayor without even Amelie ordering her to join the rest of her little friends.

Amelie thinks of a punishment for them because they interrupted her plans for a nice little chat with the house residents. But she can't think of anything, so she sits down on the floor and begins to cry, unable to think of something for them to do or even for her to say to them.

"I don't know what to _do_," she moans, and Hanziii gets the feeling that it isn't to do with them anymore. "Ollypop said that he loves me but I feel really bad for cheating with him behind Sam's back but I only did it because I was drunk and Sam had left me because he said that I smelt like poop, but _then_ he said he was lying so I forgave him but I don't know what to _do_!" she begins to sob even more, Michael and Hanziii exchanging glances of confusion – o_O – which seems to be a common theme around the Glass House today. At least with Amelie's outburst, Michael has forgotten to be upset that nobody likes his song!

"You _cheated_ on me?" Sam says, horrified. Nobody knows where he came from so the author decides to point out that Sam now has magic powers that mean he can randomly appear anywhere when he wants to. Nobody _dares_ dispute with the author because magic is about as real as there is a town of vampires controlled by Amelie, and that seems pretty real in this fic. "Amelie, I _hate_ you!" he growls, his face like :

Amelie cries again, and Hanziii decides to get her phone out and take a photo. Michael laughs and makes her send it to him via bluetooth, which is a good thing because then Hanziii's phone breaks forever.

"Loan me your phone," she whispers to Michael, dialling the number she memorised from Jeremy Kyle.

"Hello, this is Jeremy, what can I do for you today?" he answers the phone with a cheery voice, making Hanziii sure that this is the perfect idea.

"Hi, we are people from Morganville and we want you to do a massive session – soon!" Hanziii says frantically.

"What are the basic details, please?" he asks, sounding very interested.

"Well, there is this town that we are in which is ran by vampires, the head of whom is Amelie who is this _major_ control freak, who is in love with Sam but she just cheated with Oliver who is another vampire, second in command and has loved Amelie for years," Hanziii begins, wondering whether they could just hold the session now as she could be dead by the time that she finishes explaining it all. "Amelie's evil father popped by the other month and destroyed a tonne of things but we're all happy now apart from the mayor who my friend is currently saving on the phone. Oh and Michael, my boyfriend, is depressed because nobody likes his new song – he is a musician. And Myrnin… well, Myrnin is always crazy but he went _really_ mental a minute ago and is now… oh great, he is now pretending to be a chicken," Hanziii rolls her eyes at this, moving away from the ancient alchemist who is really scaring her.

Then Amelie pulls the phone away from her and speaks in the most relaxed voice possible, "Hello, Jeremy? Yes, that was Hanziii on the phone and she is more than a little crazy… yes, this is Amelie… how did you know I was feeling guilty and like a whore?... oh, dear, yes, you had better come to Morganville," she cries again and Sam takes the phone from her to tell Jeremy all the details…

… in the meanwhile, Hanziii kisses Michael whilst Myrnin looks upset as Vicky is _still_ saving Richard on the phone – strange!

Then Michael pulls away and ignores his family around him before his eyes threaten to fill with tears again.

"So, what did you think of my song?" he asks, and they all groan. Not _again_!

**What did you all think?**

**I hope you liked it – the Jeremy Kyle thing was last minute inspiration!**

**As usual, reviews are welcome & if you want a fic like this, in a pairing, tell me XD**

**Vicky xx**


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